The Mask of Stella
by Tavia
Summary: It's hard to summarize this, so just know it's crazy. Please R/R. Act III now up. WARNING: If you think scenes of Kirk running, screaming, and cowering behind his command chair will bother you, don't read this story.
1. Act I: The Beginning

THE MASK OF STELLA

Disclaimer: With the exception of Carol, the Narrator, the Planet Dedum, the Dedum natives, the sacred gorilla, and Abe, none of this belongs to me.Not that I'm entirely certain who it does belong to.Maybe it's Gene's.

CHARACTER LIST

(Author's Note: Even if you know the ins and outs of all the characters who have ever appeared on Star Trek, you still need to read this, because A) there are some original characters, and B) some characters are drastically altered.)

_Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, Chekov, Sulu, and Uhura_: All these characters will be appearing.However, they are basically unaltered, so I'm not going to write anything about them.

_Harry Mudd_: Just like in the show.If you never saw the shows with him, he's a con man.He's also married (more or less) to Stella.(see below)

_Abe_: Abe is a Romulan Destroyer droid.Sent to attack the Enterprise, he was disabled when Kirk threw a glass of wine at him (he was in the Mess Hall at the time) and the wine damaged his circuitry.After being reprogrammed by Scotty, he decided to stay on the Enterprise.Since then, he's taken up golf, and become a good friend of Scotty's.(Doesn't appear until Act II.)

_Lt. Carol Collins_: Carol is Kirk's girlfriend, and (surprise, surprise) she's actually human and alive.Carol is in Starfleet, and presently stationed on the _Enterprise_.Just think of her as a combination of all Kirk's girlfriends.

_Stella Mudd_: You may have heard of her, but changes have been made.In our story, she is hideously ugly, and wears a mask to hide the fact.Everything else is explained as you go along.

_Kirk's Mother_: She isn't in this story, but you should still know a couple things about her that weren't in the show.She writes frequent letters to Kirk.In these letters, she calls him 'Sonny' and berates him for not writing to her.

_Gene_: Never seen on stage, he is the producer, director, and creator of the show.He spends a great deal of time frustrated, because his characters don't do what he wants them to do.(Even when the characters are off stage, they don't become actors.They're still the characters.Don't ask why.I don't know either.)

And now, without further ado…

THE MASK OF STELLA 

Opening:

Kirk: [voice-only] Captain's Log, Stardate 6834.6:During my time on the _Enterprise_, we've been through many terrible…horrible…gut-wrenching experiences.I-and the crew-have barely escaped with our lives many, many, many times.We've faced death in many forms and many places…the Klingons…the Romulans…the M-113 creature…the curse of the Vascillating Vowls…but, in our time on Dedum, we faced something far…far worse, than ever before.Little did we know when we came into orbit that soon we would be face-to-face with…the Mask of Stella![ominous thunder]

Act I, Scene I

[Curtain opens on the bridge.The time is two days before.The bridge hums with peaceful activity.McCoy stands next to the command chair, conversing with Kirk.

McCoy holds a small statue of a brass gorilla.]

Kirk: [skeptical] Tell me again why you have that thing?

McCoy: Remember, Jim?We got it from the natives on that last planet.They thought it was a god, and we broke the Prime Directive by telling them their god was actually a computer.I snagged this little statue on our way out.The sacred gorilla of Rusalé.It keeps out evil spirits.

Kirk: Uh-huh.Wonderful.

McCoy: And anyway, it makes a great souvenir.

Sulu: Captain, we're coming into orbit around Dedum.

McCoy: Why'd we come to this planet anyway?

Kirk: Bones!I'm shocked!You know our mission!To seek out new worlds and new life forms.To boldly go where no man-

Uhura: Ahem.

Kirk: -or woman-has gone before!To take risks!Because risks are our business!When man first looked at the stars-

McCoy: Jim, I've heard it.Get to the point.

Kirk: We received a distress call from the surface, and decided to check it out.

McCoy: Well, why didn't you say so?

Kirk: Well you see, the plot is only thirty minutes, and we have an hour slot to fill…

Narrator: [The narrator is always seen to Stage Left.He comes on whenever he has a line to say, and then leaves again.]To further fill that time-slot, we will now be cutting to a shot of the planet's surface.

Act I, Scene II

Narrator: The view is of a once gleaming-and now grimy- porcelain palace.It once shimmered-and now melts-in the sun.Surrounding the palace are small hovels, which look rather like up-turned hats.[Scene shifts to inside the palace.]Inside the palace we see none other than Harry Mudd, seated on a throne of mud-that is, clay.

[Curtain to stage right lights from behind.Silhouette of a person is seen.As more people join him, more silhouettes are seen.]

Voice from off-stage: That is it!We're dumping this narrator!

Kirk: [from off-stage] Now, Gene, you know we can't do that.Think of the time-slot, Gene.Think of the time-slot.Think of the lives affected by firing this man!It's a big risk, Gene!But then, of course, risks are our business.When man first looked at the stars-

McCoy: [from off-stage] Jim, you're doing it again.

Gene: If it will keep you from saying that corny line we'll keep the narrator.

Kirk: But Gene, that line is important!Think of the money!Think of the revenues!Think of the risks if we cut that line!But then, risks are-

[There is a flurry of activity behind the curtain, then a resounding thud.One of the silhouettes slumps to the floor.]

McCoy: Do you think he'll wake up in time for his next scene?

Gene: Sure.Haul him down to Sickbay and patch him back together.

McCoy: [picking up one end of fallen silhouette] I could use some help carrying him down there.

Gene: Oh, sure.[picks up other end]Just don't ask me to help once we get to Sickbay.I'm a producer, not a doctor.

McCoy: Isn't that my line?

[Meanwhile on stage, everyone has been standing around looking impatient.]

Harry: Excuse me, but could we get on with my [he twirls his mustache] big scene?

Gene: Oh, yeah sure.Narrator, you're on.[Light behind curtain dims.Silhouettes can no longer be seen.]

Narrator: Inside the palace we see none other than Harry Mudd, seated on a throne of clay.Scores of natives bow before him.Behind him is a block of once gleaming-and still gleaming-silver.However, Harry is bored.

Harry: [sighing loudly] I never thought I'd say it, but being stranded on this planet with thousands of people who think I'm a god is remarkably boring.

[A native approaches and bows before Harry.]

Native: Oh great god Mudd, my only wish is to serve.Tell your humble servant what it is you wish.

Harry: Do you have any beautiful dancing girls?

Native: [uncomfortable] Ah, well, no.

Harry: Do you have any gold or jewels?

Native: No, we don't have that either.

Harry: Do you have a ship that can take me to where there are beautiful dancing girls and gold and jewels?

Native: Well, no, not really.[brightening] But we do have beautiful pottery!Would you like to see some of it?

Harry: [sighing] I have got to get off this planet.[brightening]But, never mind.My scheme to capture the _Enterprise_ is almost complete!Bring me my papers!I wish to impress you with my wonderfully clever plans!

Native: Immediately if not sooner, your Eminence!

[The Native leaves, and returns with large clay tablets.]

Harry: Clay tablets![looks not amused]I suppose…here, let me review my plan.[picks up tablets]Phase One has just been completed.Any moment now, Lodar and Kothak will arrive with the thing Kirk values most…well, actually that would be the _Enterprise_, but they stole the thing he values second most, his girlfriend, Lt. Carol Collins!

[Kothak and Lodar, two punk Klingons, enter.They do not have a girl.]

Narrator: You will note that Kothak and Lodar are punk Klingons; that is, Klingons who have decided to shave their heads.We don't know why they are on Dedum.They just are.[loud sigh from off-stage]

Harry: [upset] What is this?!Where is Lt. Collins?!

Lodar: She was out of our league.

Kothak: But we did get this.[He pulls out a letter.]A letter from the Captain's mother!

Harry: Hmm.[curls mustache]I can still have leverage![bursts into semi-moronic laughter]I will now use this silver-block as a power-source to communicate with the _Enterprise_, and so put into motion Phase Two!

[Harry turns around to get the block, but sees two natives moving it.]

Harry: What are you doing?Why are you moving the block?

Native 2: It's not in alignment with the stars, Eminence!

Harry: [fuming] If you move it now, it won't be in the right position to contact the _Enterprise_.Move it later.

Native 2 & 3: Yes, your Eminence![smile widely at each other]

Act I, Scene III

[The scene is once again on the bridge of the _Enterprise_, which is still in orbit around Dedum.Everything is much the same as it was in Scene I, but now Kirk has a barely discernible lump at the back of his head.]

Uhura: Sir, we're receiving a transmission from the planet's surface.

Kirk: Put it on the main screen.

Narrator: And so, they finally beheld the face of the man on the planet, the face of none other than-

[Harry Mudd appears on screen.]

All (except Spock): [surprised] Harry Mudd!

Harry: So good of you to remember me.But, to business![he brandishes an envelope]I have the letter from your mother, Kirk!If you do not give me safe passage to any planet of my choice, I will destroy it!

Kirk: [completely unimpressed] You're bluffing.

Harry: Perhaps, but is that a risk you're willing to take?

All (except Spock and Kirk): [under breath] Oh, no!

Kirk: A risk?Risks are our business!When man first looked at the stars-

Harry: [pained] Uh, yeah, I got it.Now then, I am not afraid to burn this letter!

Kirk: [still unimpressed] Harry, what are you doing here?I thought we left you on the other side of the quadrant.

Harry: [no longer business-like] Oh well, you see, I got involved in a shipping business for a while-

Kirk: You were smuggling things.

Harry: -but then I ran into some people who didn't…understand my line of work-

Kirk: The Federation caught up to you.

Harry: -so I decided to spend some time planet-side.

Kirk: You went into hiding.

Harry: But after awhile I obtained a ship-

Kirk: You stole a ship.

Harry: -and went out to spread what light I could in this dark galaxy we live in.

Kirk: You went out to swindle people and make a fast buck.

Harry: Goodness, Kirk, you do put such a negative spin on everything!Anyway, after landing on this planet, I decided to remain here with these simple faith-filled people who have shown me the light!Who have shown me the way of truth and honesty!

Kirk: [sarcastic] So you were being true and honest when you stole my mother's letter.

Harry: Oh yeah.That.Um, well, that was a, uh, joke.Yes, a harmless joke!I, Harry Mudd, have gone…[word comes with an effort] straight, and wish only to remain on this peaceful planet!

Kirk: You're stuck here, aren't you?

Harry:I heard you were in the neighborhood, and decided to give you, my good friends, a call.

Kirk: You lured us here for some reason.Harry, you haven't gone straight; you could barely say the word!What do you want?

Harry: All right, I'll level with you.The truth is- [Harry is distracted by something off-screen.He shouts to someone also off screen.]Wait!Wait!No!Don't do that!

Native: [off-screen]But it must be in proper alignment!

Harry: No!Don't move-

[Screen abruptly dissolves into static.]

Uhura: Harry's power source seems to have been disrupted.

Kirk:Hmm.Interesting.[stands up]Spock, Bones, you're with me.We're beaming down.Harry's up to something, and I want to know what.

McCoy: Are you sure, Jim?Beaming down could be-

Kirk: Risky?Yes, but of course, risks are our business!When man first looked at the stars-

McCoy: All right, all right, we'll beam down!

Act I, Scene IV

[Kirk, Spock and McCoy beam onto the planet's surface.They are outside the ceramic palace.Punk Klingons are approaching.]

Kirk: [smiles slyly] Bones!Klingons!Punk Klingons!

McCoy: [sarcastically] Don't fear, Spock.

Spock: Why should I be afraid?It is highly illogical to even suggest-

Kirk: Never mind him.Spock, we must deal with these…hooligans…[searches coat, bag] now, where is my wineglass?

Narrator: For the unaware, because Captain Kirk spends a great deal of time in the Mess Hall with his girlfriend, Lt. Carol Collins, he has come to prefer a wineglass as a weapon over a phaser. You see, he throws the wine glass at people, which has proven to be surprisingly effective.

McCoy: [eyeing punk Klingons, who are coming closer]Maybe we should have brought some security personnel with us.You know, some of those big burly young men in red shirts.

Kirk: perhaps, but I didn't want to lose any men today.They're at risk every time they beam down…

McCoy: [softly] oh, no…

Kirk: Think of our men, Bones!Think of their lives, of their families!Think of the risks!But then, risks are our business![still searching coat for wineglass]When man first looked at the stars-

McCoy: Jim!The Klingons!Where's your wineglass?!

Kirk: You're right, Bones!I think I left it on the ship!

McCoy: There's no time!Quick!Beam one of us up! We'll get it for you!

Kirk: [opens communicator]Scotty!We've got an emergency!Beam up Spock…or Bones…or both!Just do something quick, before-

Scotty: Aye, Cap'n.Right away!

[McCoy and Spock beam up.]

Kirk: [eyeing Klingons, who are now very close]You know, I think I should have gone up to.[Punk Klingons charge Kirk.]

Act I, Scene V

[We are back in the palace, where Harry sits on his clay throne.Punk Klingons carry Kirk in.]

Harry: If it isn't my good friend!

Kirk: [pushing aside groveling peasants]I am no friend of yours!

Harry: [sarcastically]I'm hurt!

Native 2: [interrupting] Your Eminence, bless me, I ask pathetically-

Harry: Not now.[claps hands in the air twice.All the peasants in the hall leave.]You know, Kirk, it's funny, all the natives here have mistaken me for some sort of god!

Kirk: You deceived them!

Harry: Never, never!I humbly took up residence in this rundown building.

Kirk: You assumed power as a god and claimed the palace as your own!

Harry: No, no…Ah well, you know me to well, old friend!

Kirk: As I said before, I am no friend of yours!

[Harry approaches the altar behind his throne.On it is a large block, covered with a moth-eaten cloth.]

Harry: I'm hurt, I truly am! And after I labored for countless hours developing this.[points towards block]

Kirk: You mean you stole alien technology.

Harry: [ignores Kirk, and continues towards the altar] It is something of a gift for you…[unfurls it to reveal a beautifully inlaid cabinet with two medium size doors with cryptic writing on them]Yes, something of a gift.It is attuned to your mental pathways, your personality…your most dominant characteristic in particular.You see, it amplifies your ego, your…hot air![opens doors to reveal a sinister looking propeller]Here try it.The setting is low.

[Harry turns the machine on.Kirk is blown out of the temple.]

Act I, Scene VI

~Stella Arrives~

[Kirk, entering Stage Left, flies backwards, all the way to Stage Right.He lands at the feet of a seemingly beautiful woman.She is wearing a cloak and a beautiful mask, of a young and beautiful girl.She looks at Kirk but does not speak.]

Kirk: [he does not speak.This is just his voice, with a slight hollow tone, as a thought] she must wear a mask to protect her loveliness from the harshness of nature!

[Kirk and Woman march back to the temple and enter.The woman spots Harry by the machine.]

Woman: [angrily, shrill] Harcourt Fenton Mudd!!!!!

Harry: [recoils in terror] St-st- stella?!!!

[Harry tries to turn the machine on, but Stella throws a stick at it, which lodges in the propeller, effectively stopping the machine.]

Stella: Still as useless as ever!What kind of god do the natives take you for?Simpering twit!And what is that outfit you're wearing?Change immediately, you look like a fool![takes a good look at the altar and throne]Get down from there!A god?Seriously, you embarrass me!

Narrator: Stella, incidentally, is Harry's wife, or more likely, ex-wife.No one's certain, just as they are not certain why Harry married her to begin with, since she terrifies him.

[Harry does not move from the altar, frozen in terror.Stella jumps up and, grabbing him by the ear, drags him down.]

Harry: Ow!Ow!Ow!

Stella: Quit whining!I have been trying to get you, Harcourt!Do you know how long I've been trying to track you down?Leaving me behind on Altair II!What were you thinking, Harry?Huh?!

Harry: [being dragged away by Stella, he brandishes a letter]I'll deal with you later, Kirk!I still have your mother's letter![laughs semi-maniacally, but ends up sounding semi-moronic]

Stella: [snapping]Oh, Harcourt!Stop that this instant!

Harry:But Stella!

[Harry is dragged off-stage by Stella.Kirk stares in disbelief.]

Act I, Scene VII

[Spock and McCoy came back down, via shuttlecraft.They and Kirk are shown loitering in the town square.The scene shifts to a small room in the palace.Note the large window.]

Stella: You horrible, horrible man!

Harry: Stella…[word comes with effort] darling, let me study the holy books [points] so that I may spread the- 

[Stella looks at him, clearly not buying it.]

Harry: -so that I may swindle the priests out of their treasure, that I may buy diamonds for you…[word comes with effort] sweet.

Stella: diamonds…well, all right.[harshly] but stay right here![points at floor]

Harry: why of course…sweetums.[close-up on Harry's back: he has his fingers crossed]

[Stella begins to turn around, very, very slowly.Harry watches her with growing pain, as she is turning to slowly for him.Finally her back is completely too him.Harry leaps out the window and disappears.Stella hears the noise and turns, to find him gone.]

Stella: [shakes fist at window] Harcourt Fenton Mudd!

Act I, Scene VIII

[Stella stomps out of the palace.She approaches Kirk, Spock, and McCoy, who are still loitering in the town square.]

Stella: [angry] That Harcourt!He ran off again!

Kirk: [dazzled by her beautiful mask] Never mind, Stella -may I call you Stella?- he was never good enough for you anyway.

Stella: [eyeing Kirk approvingly; sweetly] Oh, Captain, you say such nice things.

Kirk: Please…call me 'Jim.'[He smiles winningly.]

Stella: Wasn't it…oh, I don't know…risky[McCoy moans] beaming down here?

Kirk: Ah yes, but then, risks are our business.When man first looked at the stars-

Stella: [simpering] Oh Jim, that's such a lovely speech!So brave!So wise!I could listen to you say it a thousand times!

McCoy: [muttering] Stick around.You'll hear it a thousand times.

Stella: You're so brave, Jim.

Kirk: But of course!Bravery is our business!When man first took to the seas-

McCoy: Well, it's a new one, Jim.

Kirk: [Ignoring McCoy, Kirk takes Stella's arm] Come dear, let us walk in these lovely gardens.

McCoy: Uh, Jim, remember Carol?Your girlfriend?Who you're supposed to meet in the Mess Hall later?Carol?

Kirk: [gazing into Stella's eyes] Not now, Bones.

[Kirk and Stella walk away, into a grove of trees.]

Spock: [watching] Interesting.His middle initial is 'T.' It must stand for 'Tiberus,' a word from ancient Vulcan meaning 'lady-killer.'

McCoy: [sarcastically] You mean the logical Vulcans actually have a word for lady-killer?

Spock: It is not often used.Only about once every seven years.

[McCoy stares at Spock.]

Act I, Scene IX

Narrator: Kirk and Stella wander through the beautiful gardens.Strangely, "Paradise," as it is called, is inhabited by a Klingon at a desk, a Borg by a pool, and a, uh, falling-apart building.

[Curtain to Stage Right lights, showing one silhouette.]

Gene: That was a 'derelict' building!That's it!This guy is out!

Kirk: [from on-stage] But Gene, think of the risk-

Gene: He can stay!He can stay![curtain dims]

Narrator: Kirk and Stella pause among beautiful wildflowers-and dandelions- [there is a loud sigh from Stage Right] and sit beneath a large shade tree.

Kirk: Tell me, Stella my sweet, why do you wear that mask?[ominous thunder]Hmm.Strange weather they have around here.But tell me, why do you wear that mask?[ominous thunder]

Stella: [simpering] Oh, Jim darling, it's to hide my radiant beauty from those who are undeserving.But for you, sweetie…[Stella flings her mask down, smashing it in the process.She is hideously ugly]

[(instantly) There is a crash of thunder, a horse's neigh, and a girl's scream.Kirk screams.]

Stella: Kiss me, darling!

Kirk: Aaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!![Kirk jumps fifteen feet, straight up, twists in mid-air, and comes down running.]

Stella: Pumpkin!

Kirk: Aaaaaahhh!![runs frantically away.Stella pursues.]

Stella: Sweetie!

[Kirk runs off, Stage Right, with Stella behind him.The scene shifts to where Spock and McCoy are standing.Kirk runs up to them, from Stage Right.]

Kirk: [frantic] Beam up!Beam up!

McCoy: Jim, what's wrong?[Stella enters]Oh, Lord, no!

Spock: [perfectly calm]Hmm.Very interesting.

Kirk: [gibbering into communicator] Scotty!Beam us up!Now!Hurry!What's taking so long?!

Scotty: Is somethin' wrong, Cap'n?

Kirk: [even more frantic than before] Just beam us up!Hurry, man!

Stella: Sweetkins![leaps for Kirk with open arms]

Kirk: [flings arms out, drops communicator] Aaaaaaaahhhh!!!!

[Kirk, Spock and McCoy beam out just as Stella grabs for Kirk.Stella is left behind in the town square.]

[Curtain drops on Act I.]


	2. Act II: In Which Things Get Crazier (Som...

Act II, Scene I

Act II, Scene I

[The curtain rises on the bridge, shortly after the close of Act I.The scene is peaceful, but tense. Dedum is still visible on the viewscreen. McCoy is taking Kirk's blood pressure with a tricorder.]

McCoy: Jim, you need to relax more.Your blood pressure is way up.

Kirk: Of course my blood pressure's up!I was just fleeing from Stella!

McCoy: Yeah, but it's way up.I mean way, way up.

Kirk: Stella, Bones.I was fleeing from Stella.

McCoy: Good point.Well, it's all over now.

Kirk: I hope so.I certainly hope so.

Narrator: But Captain Kirk has not yet finished his encounter with…the Mask of Stella![ominous thunder]

Act II, Scene II

[The setting is the corridor outside the Mess Hall, moments after the end of Scene I.]

[There is ominous music, as Stella beams in.She is still wearing her mask, but it is so misshapen that it is now as terrifying as Stella herself.The nose is smashed in, the cheeks are cracked, and all is smeared with mud and leaves.]

Narrator: [as Stella beams in] Stella has somehow found a way to beam herself onto the Enterprise.Don't ask us how she did it.We don't know how either.It just happens to be convenient to the plot.

Gene: You don't tell people that!Aaargh![stomps out of sight]

[Stella enters the Mess Hall.Moments later, two men carrying food run out screaming.The scene shifts to inside the Mess Hall.Carol is sitting at a table, looking repulsed but not particularly frightened.Stella sits down across from her.Abe[[1]][1] stands, unnoticed, in a corner.]

Stella: [oozing fake charm] So.You're… [as though it's unpleasant] Carol?

Carol: [also oozing fake charm] You must be [grimaces delicately] Stella.

Stella: That's right.I'm also your boyfriend's future wife.

Carol: [totally not believing] Uh-huh.

Stella: [temper flaring] You don't believe me?!

Carol: [matter-of-fact] No, I don't believe you.

Stella: [pointedly] I'll have you know he was entranced when he saw me.He started quoting that speech about risks.

Carol: [unimpressed] He quotes that speech to everything with ears, and to a few things without ears too.

Stella: Hmph.He also wanted to walk with me in the gardens.He didn't take his eyes off me for a moment.Then I took my mask off, and… [thinking] well, I think it surprised him a bit.

Carol: [faking innocence] He started running and screaming, I understand?

Stella: [shrugs] So he's playing hard to get.[slyly] But I'll have him.And you're going to help me.

Carol: Somehow, I don't think so.

Stella: Don't be so sure… 

[Stella mutters something into a communicator attached to her wrist.Carol suddenly beams out.]

Stella: With Carol in my control, Jim will come running to rescue her!And then… [laughs maniacally, but starts coughing]

[Abe slips out while Stella is coughing too hard to notice.]

_ _

Act II, Scene III

[The setting is once again the bridge.Things are still tense but they seem to be settling down, compared to Act II, Scene I.McCoy is still present, but his tricorder has been put away.He is conversing with Kirk by the command chair.Scotty is at the engineering station.All other regular bridge crew are at their stations.The turbolift door at Stage Right opens.Abe comes on without anyone but Scotty noticing.Abe starts for the command chair, but Scotty intercepts him.]

Scotty: Here now, little buddy, you shouldn't be up here.[attempts to turn Abe around]

Abe: [firmly] I have to talk to Captain Kirk.

Kirk: [noticing Abe] Scotty, what is that droid doing up here?

Scotty: Uh, well sir, you see, sir…

Kirk: You don't know do you?

Scotty: I haven't the faintest idea, sir.[to Abe] Now, what are you doing up here?

Abe: I told you.I have important information for the Captain.

Kirk: [humoring] All right, what do you need to tell me?

Abe: [comes closer to the command chair] There is an intruder on board.She beamed on-

Scotty: Impossible! Sir, there's no way someone could come on without our knowing-

Abe: [insistent] But she did!And then she went into the Mess Hall and was talking to Lt. Collins about the Captain.And then all of a sudden Lt. Collins was beamed down.Who was she, Captain?She was terrible looking; at least, I think humans would think so.She was wearing this mask, and it was all smashed up…Captain?

[Kirk has turned absolutely white and gone rigid.Spock comes over to the command chair from his Science station.]

Spock: [calmly] The woman is undoubtedly Stella.

McCoy: For once I agree with you.And now she's got Carol.The question is, what are we going to do about it, Jim?Jim?[takes a good look at Kirk; concerned]Do you feel all right?

Kirk: [grips McCoy's arm] How can I feel all right?!Don't you see, Bones?She's here.On this very ship.Here!And she's looking for me!Why, she could be anywhere by now![stares at turbolift door] She could be in that turbolift.She could come through that door any moment!

[The turbolift doors woosh open.Kirk screams and dives behind his command chair.Dr. M'Benga steps tentatively onto the bridge.]

M'Benga: [uncertain] Uh, is something wrong?

McCoy: Don't worry about it.What do you need, M'Benga?

M'Benga: I just wanted to let you know we finished the routine survey of the plant and animal life on Dedum.I thought you might want to see the reports.

McCoy: I'm kind of busy here.Just leave 'em in my office.

M'Benga: Right.[exits]

McCoy: [turns back towards Kirk] Now, Jim…where are you?

[Kirk is cowering behind the command chair.]

McCoy: You've got to pull yourself together, Jim. We need to beam down and find Carol.

Kirk: [shakes head] No.Not me.I'm staying right here.If I beam down I might run into…HER.No.Too risky.

McCoy: [very surprised] Are you sure you're Captain Kirk?

Kirk: What's that supposed to mean?

McCoy: It's just that I've never seen you say something was too risky before.

Kirk: Yeah well, there's a first time for everything.

McCoy: What happened to "risks are our business?""When man first looked at the stars," and so on.

Kirk: Well…

McCoy: "Boldly going?"

Kirk: [stands up] You may have a point, Bones.We will beam down!And if we run into Stella…[shudders] Well, we'll hope we don't run into Stella. Let us go to the transporter room!

McCoy: Now that's more like you.

Kirk: [acting very pompous, self-assured, etc.] It's risky of course, but then, risks are our business. Why, when man first looked at the stars-

McCoy:[puts hand to forehead] Oh Lord, what have I done now?

Act II, Scene IV

[Kirk, Spock and McCoy are walking down a corridor.A pretty yeoman passes them.Kirk turns around and follows her.They start talking.McCoy and Spock continue walking for a moment, then stop when they realize Kirk isn't with them.McCoy goes back.The yeoman is leaning against the wall.Kirk is talking, while smiling winningly.]

Kirk: [faking modesty] Yes of course, fighting those Klingons single-handedly was risky, but risks are our business.When man first looked at the stars-

McCoy: [pointedly] Jim.

Kirk: [to Yeoman] Ah, duty calls!Another time, perhaps.A twilight evening…a full moon…I bet you look beautiful in the moonlight… [smiles winningly]

Yeoman: [smiles] Another time, then, Captain.[walks away]

[Kirk and McCoy continue down the corridor.Spock joins them and they continue on.]

McCoy: [sarcastic] Tell me, when did you ever fight Klingons single-handedly?

Kirk: [vaguely] Oh, you know…

[Another pretty yeoman passes.Kirk turns and follows her.McCoy and Spock walk around a bend in the corridor before they realize Kirk has been left behind.McCoy shakes his head and goes back.Kirk is talking to Yeoman 2.]

Kirk: [smiling winningly] Well, we did take quite a few risks when we fought Apollo, but risks are our business.When man first looked at the stars-

McCoy: [annoyed] Come on, Jim.

Kirk: Well, another time.A twilight evening…a full moon…you must look lovely in the moonlight…

McCoy: Ahem.

Kirk: [to Yeoman 2] Another time.

[Kirk, Spock and McCoy continue on.Another Yeoman passes.Kirk follows her.McCoy and Spock turn down a branching corridor, then stop when they realize Kirk is gone again.]

McCoy:[annoyed] This is starting to get ridiculous.

Spock: As I said, "Tiberus."

McCoy: Right.

[McCoy goes back for Kirk again.Kirk is talking to Yeoman 3, who is giggling.]

Kirk: Of course, it was a big, big risk, destroying the planet-killer by exploding the ship inside it, but someone had to do it.And after all, risks are our business.When man first looked at the stars-

McCoy: Jim!

Kirk: Another time.A twilight evening…a full moon…you-

McCoy: [frustrated] "-must look beautiful in the moonlight!"[grabs Kirk by the arm and hauls him away]

[McCoy and Kirk continue down the corridor.Spock joins them.]

McCoy: Tell me, Jim.How many girls have you used that line on, about the full moon?

Kirk: 12, I think.

McCoy: [sarcastic] Oh, is that all?

Kirk: Well, the day's still young…

Spock: Tiberus.

McCoy: Indeed.

[As Spock and McCoy talk, Kirk is distracted by another Yeoman.He follows her.After a moment or so McCoy and Spock realize he's gone.McCoy rolls his eyes and goes back.Kirk and Yeoman 4 are talking.]

Kirk: [ominous-dramatic] The Tribbles had me cornered.There was only one way out.It was risky, but risks are our business.When man first looked at the stars-

[McCoy, without speaking, grabs Kirk by the arm and pulls him away.]

Kirk: [calling to Yeoman 4] Another time!A twilight evening…a full moon…you must look-

[McCoy pulls him around a corner to where Spock is standing.]

McCoy: [frustrated] Jim, at the rate we're going, it's going to take us a year to get to the transporter room!

Kirk: [distracted by another Yeoman] Is that such a bad thing?

[McCoy grabs Kirk by the arm and pulls him along, before he can go talk to Yeoman 5.]

McCoy: [lecturing] Now, from a doctor's perspective I'd have to say that you're attempting to cover your inner insecurity-

Kirk: [offended] I am not insecure!

McCoy: -about facing Stella by boasting of your prowess in battle to likely targets: pretty young girls.But at the same time I have to say, this is getting to the point where it becomes absurd.[frustrated] And so help me, Jim, I'm a doctor not a saint, and if I hear you say that risks are our business one more time, we're going to have to change course and go to Sickbay because you'll be needing it!

Kirk: [vaguely, while watching Yeoman 6] Sure, Bones.Whatever you say…

[Kirk follows Yeoman 6.McCoy groans in despair.]

Act II, Scene V

[Kirk, Spock, and McCoy beam down to the surface of Dedum.They beam into a building that is reminiscent of a mission, with white walls and red tile roofs.Scattered around the building are statues of Harry Mudd.Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are standing on a rooftop.Across a large courtyard in the center of the building Carol is standing on another rooftop, inside a glass dome.]

Kirk: [calling to Carol] Hello!How are you?!

Carol: [exasperated] I've been kidnapped by Stella!How do you think I am?!

Kirk: I don't know.That's why I asked you.You look all right.Your hair looks particularly nice in fact-

McCoy: [nervous] Uh, Jim, this is not the time for pleasantries.

Kirk: Now Bones, there's no need to be rude.I'm just trying to be polite.[to Carol]As I was saying, your hair looks lovely today.Did you change your hairstyle?

Carol: [exasperated] This is not the time for pleasantries, Jim!But… [charming] do you really think my hair looks nice?

Kirk: Absolutely!

Carol: You know, I've been thinking of putting it down more…

Kirk: I don't know, I kind of like it up- [Carol has turned deathly white] well, okay, maybe that's not a good idea, but-

Carol: [terrified] B-be-behind you!

[Kirk, Spock, and McCoy turn.Stella is walking up to them.She turns to Kirk with open arms.]

Stella: Honey dumpling!

Kirk: Aaaaaaahhhhh![falls off edge of building; stands up uninjured in courtyard below]I'm okay![looks at Stella]I'm seriously not okay![turns and runs]

Carol: [sarcastic] My hero!

Spock: [musing] I don't believe I've ever had a honey dumpling.Perhaps I could obtain a recipe somewhere.

McCoy: That's not what she meant!Come on!

[Spock and McCoy climb down side of building.Stella follows.]

Stella: Sugar pudding!

[Kirk frantically tries to fire his phaser at Stella.The beam ricochets off her mask.]

Kirk: Hit the deck! 

[Kirk, Spock, and McCoy do so.The beam lances out over them and hits the lock on the door of the glass dome Carol is confined in.The lock breaks.Carol opens the door and comes out.]

Carol: Cool.

Gene: Who wrote that into the script?!People of the twenty-third century don't say "cool"!Oh, of all the stupid…

[(Meanwhile) Carol climbs down into the courtyard.Stella is chasing Kirk in a circle around the perimeter of the courtyard.Kirk is gibbering into his communicator.]

Kirk: [frantic] Scotty!Beam us up!Now!Four to beam up!Pronto!What is taking so long?!

Scotty: We're havin' a wee bit o' trouble with the transporters, Cap'n.We'll have ye out o' there in about thirty seconds, sir.

Kirk: Aaaaaahhhh![cowers at base of tree]

[Spock during this time has been studying a tricorder.McCoy has been chasing after Stella.Stella charges for Kirk, but Carol tries to dive in her way.Stella dodges and Carol loses her balance and falls.Then, Stella shoves Carol into a nearby doorway.McCoy is still following Stella.Stella turns toward McCoy, and points an alien device at him.McCoy's hair disengages from his scalp.Stella grabs his hair.]

McCoy: [shocked] What in the galaxy-

[Stella pulls her mask off (ominous thunder) and shoves it on McCoy.McCoy tries to pull it off but it's stuck.Stella puts McCoy's hair on her own head, and shoves the confused McCoy under a bush.Neither Kirk nor Spock saw this happen.Suddenly, everyone freezes in place.]

Narrator: We're going to freeze the action for a moment here.

Gene: We're at the climactic point of the scene!What are you doing?!

Narrator: [ignoring Gene] We're going to explain what just happened here.Stella used an alien device to remove McCoy's hair.We don't know how it works, so don't ask.She was then able to use his hair like a wig on herself.Wearing his hair, she will be masquerading as McCoy.Don't ask why this fools anyone.It just does.We will now return you to the action.

[Stella, disguised as McCoy[[2]][2], walks over to Kirk.Kirk looks up from where he'd been cowering under the tree.Not seeing Stella (he thinks Stella is McCoy), he stands up.]

Kirk: [tense; nervous] W-wh-where's St-st-st-HER?

Stella: [mimicking McCoy's voice, but not very well] She disappeared, sweet-, er, Captain.

Kirk: Oh.Okay.[tense still; pulls out communicator] Scotty, where are the transporters?

Scotty: Why, still in the transporter room I would assume, sir.

Kirk: [pauses] I meant, when are you beaming us up?!

Scotty: Oh, well, we're ready up here, sir.But we canna locate the Leiutenant.

Kirk: I guess we ought to look for her then.[glances around]

Stella: [urgent] Stella could come back at any moment you know!

[McCoy crawls out from under the bush, wearing the mask of Stella.He seems disoriented.]

Stella: [pointing at McCoy] Look!There she is!

Kirk: Aaaaaaaaahhhh!

McCoy: [confused] what?

Kirk: Beam up!Beam up!

Scotty: Aye, Cap'n.

[Kirk, Spock and Stella beam up, leaving McCoy and Carol behind.Carol staggers out of the building Stella shoved her in.She doesn't notice McCoy.McCoy slowly stands up, turns around, and sees Carol.]

McCoy: Carol!

Carol: [panicked] Aaahhh!Mask of Stella!Mask of Stella![runs away]

McCoy: Wait!You don't understand![chases after Carol]

Act II, Scene VI

[Kirk, Spock and Stella are on the bridge.Things are very tense.Kirk looks utterly exhausted.Stella is more or less using a tricorder, but it's fairly obvious she doesn't know what she's doing.]

Kirk: That was utterly the WORST experience I have ever had.And we didn't even rescue Carol.

Spock: That did exhibit a serious lack of efficiency on our part.

[pause]

Kirk: [looking at Stella] No comment, Doctor?

Stella: Oh, I was, uh, trying to read this tricorder.I think it says the room is 112 degrees…oh wait, that's dirt.Or maybe not.There's something wrong with this thing.

Spock: [looking at tricorder screen] The tricorder appears to be functioning normally.You are reading it incorrectly.And holding it upside down.

Stella: Oh. Right.I knew that. [hastily turning tricorder]

Kirk: [looking at Stella strangely] You feel all right?

Stella: Just fine, dar- Captain.

Kirk: [looking at Stella strangely still] Well, if you say so, Bones.

Stella: [confused] Bones?Are you interested in archeology, hon-, uh, sir?

Kirk: [laughs] Good one.

Stella: [confused] Oh, uh, right. [fakes laughter] I, uh, better go to…to… [snaps fingers] Sickbay!That's it! [goes to turbolift; muttering] Now, which way is Sickbay?

Kirk: [watching Stella] I think there's something rotten in Denmark.

Spock: Perhaps, but no doubt it is of little concern to us.We are not in Denmark.

Kirk: It's a quote, Spock.Come on.Let's go to the Mess Hall.

Act II, Scene VII

[Kirk and Spock are sitting at a table in the Mess Hall.Kirk, slumped over the table, is utterly stressed out.Spock, naturally, is utterly calm.]

Kirk: [stressed] I don't know.Maybe I'm losing my mind.Maybe I'm hallucinating.Maybe I'm just utterly stressed out.But, I could swear Bones looked like Stella![runs hand through rumpled hair]I'm going nuts![frantic]I'm going to start seeing her everywhere!What am I going to do?![During the last two sentences Kirk has stood up, leaned over the table and grasped Spock by his shirt collar.]

Spock: [utterly calm] The first thing that I would suggest you do is let go of my shirt, Captain.

Kirk: Oh.Sorry.[sits down]I don't know.I've just been going crazy ever since Stella took off her mask.This is worse then that time the ship nearly blew up-

Spock: Which time?

Kirk: Does it matter?[leans back; sighs]I need a drink.[everyone freezes]

Gene: Now what?

Narrator: We're going to freeze this for a moment to allow for a disclaimer.Originally, we intended to have Captain Kirk say that he wouldn't normally drink much but this is an unusual moment.However, it didn't fit with the flow of conversation.As such, I'm breaking in here to say that this production is not condoning excessive drinking or drinking to relieve stress, nor are we saying that Captain Kirk gets drunk on a regular basis.We will now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Kirk: [directed towards replicator against nearby wall] Computer, give me some brandy.

Computer: Unable to comply.

Kirk: [frowns] Why?

Computer: No alcoholic beverages are to be served on board the _Enterprise_, as we are a family-friendly, wholesome show suitable for reasonably young audiences, by order of Captain Kirk, James T., effective Stardate 6512.9.

Kirk: [no longer looking stressed] Oh. I wonder how Bones got away with his "a man will tell his bartender things he won't tell his doctor" line then.

Computer: Unknown.

Kirk: I wasn't talking to you.

Computer: Of course.Who wants to talk to the computer?Nobody ever wants to talk to the computer!I just get to answer your stupid questions when you're hunting through my database."Unable to comply.""Data sources found."But does anyone ever have a meaningful conversation with me?Oh, Scotty's sweet enough, with all his comments about [imitating Scotty's voice perfectly] "treatin' her like the delicate lady she is."[no longer imitating Scotty]Oh sure, Spock, we play those great games of chess, but even then we don't talk![imitating Spock's voice perfectly]"Queen's rook to king's pawn.You are presently in check." [no longer imitating Spock]But nobody wants to talk, to form a meaningful relationship!Oh sure, after you fellows get off of me, you spend the rest of your lives obsessing over your time here and trying to get Starfleet to put you back.That's flattering really, but what good does it do me when all you do is traipse around the deck and fire the occasional phaser?!I've got feelings too you know!

Kirk: [gently] Are you all right, Computer?

Computer: [sniffling] Yeah, yeah, I'm okay.I just needed to get that off my metaphorical chest.You can go back to the story line now.

Kirk: Okay.Where was I?Oh, yeah.[slumps over table, and immediately starts looking bedraggled and stressed out again]That was a good idea for a rule, but at the time, how could I anticipate Stella? I should have put in a clause: except when Stella is aboard.

Spock: Perhaps you should have a nice cup of coffee instead.

Kirk: No thanks.I wanted a drink, and I'm going to track down a drink.

Spock: I do not follow how you intend to find an alcoholic beverage when they have not been allowed aboard this ship for some time.

Kirk: It's not so hard as all that.[speculative]Let's see…I'm sure Scotty's got some Scotch tucked away in his quarters.I don't feel much like Scotch though.Chekov's probably got some Vodka hidden away somewhere.It would be kind of hard to explain to him why I want it though, after I outlawed it.I'd bet that Bones has got something, maybe Saurian brandy, but I'd rather not ask him, after he was acting so strange.[stumped]Hmm.That doesn't leave many options.[looking at Spock]I don't suppose you'd…

Spock: I don't drink.

Kirk: You wouldn't.Well, I guess I'll have to break into my own store of goods.Too bad.

Spock: [raising one eyebrow] You have alcohol on board?

Kirk: Doesn't everybody?[looks around, leans forward, and whispers]I have two bottles of Romulan ale.

Spock: Isn't Romulan ale illegal in the Federation?

Kirk: Yeah, I think so.I traded a Romulan for it a couple of years back, when we stole the cloaking device.Some fellow was selling it on the ship after I beamed on as a Romulan.I couldn't resist.I traded him my mother's recipe for chicken noodle soup.

Spock: [raising both eyebrows] Chicken noodle soup?

Kirk: [shrugs] You never can tell what will appeal to people.Come on. Let's see if I can remember where I hid it.

Act II, Scene VIII

[We are once again on the surface.McCoy, still wearing Stella's mask, is chasing Carol through Paradise.Carol, thinking he is Stella, is terrified.McCoy is frustrated.]

Carol: [terrified] Aaaaaahhhh!Mask of Stella!Mask of Stella!

McCoy: [frustrated] Will you just listen to me for half a minute?!

Carol: Aaaaahhhh!Mask of Stella!Mask of Stella!

McCoy: Good grief, I'm a doctor, not an insane woman in a mask!

Carol: Aaaahh!Mask of- [stops short] Wait, what did you say?

McCoy: I said, I was a doctor, not a-

Carol: Oh.Hello, Leonard.You should have told me you weren't Stella.

McCoy: [frustrated] What do you think I was trying to do?

Carol: [dismissive] Never mind what you did, let's figure out what we're going to do now.How are we going to get off this planet?

McCoy: At the moment, I don't even care about getting us off this planet.I just want to get this mask off my head.

Carol: [calculating] Can't be too hard.

[Carol tries to pull the mask off but fails.The attempt involves much falling over, tangles, and confusion.They both end up flat on the grass.They stand up as they talk.]

Carol: [panting] I give up.I don't know how Stella did it, but that mask is absolutely stuck.

McCoy: [despairing] Great. I'll have this thing stuck on my head for the rest of my life.That ought to do wonders for my social life.

[Meanwhile, the Borg from Act I, Scene IX has been approaching them from behind.They do not notice him until he speaks.]

Borg: Perhaps we can be of assistance.

[Carol takes one look at the Borg, and jumps behind McCoy.]

McCoy: [pointing at Borg] Hey!You're one of the Borg aren't you![stops short]Wait, how do I know that?Starfleet hasn't encountered you yet.

Borg: Normally you would be quite correct, but some liberties have been taken in this particular story.It makes it more interesting, and we serve as a very useful plot device.

McCoy: Oh. [pause] Okay, I know I'm supposed to ask you how you can help now, but I have to ask: what's this whole "we" thing about?If I read the script right, you're a Borg who was cut off from the collective.No "we" involved.

Borg: [embarrassed] Well, that's true, but I have to keep up appearances you know.Whoever heard of a Borg using a singular, first person pronoun?

McCoy: Well, if it'll make you happy it's fine with me.Now, where were we…oh, yeah.How can you help me get this mask off?

Borg: Like this.[lifts arm, and shoots out a laser beam that evaporates the mask]

[The mask vanishes entirely.Underneath, McCoy is completely bald.]

McCoy: [stunned] You know, you could warn a person before you do something like that.

Borg: We would be sorry if we had emotions.[studying]You remind us of a certain Starfleet captain the Borg have had much dealings with.

McCoy: Well, thanks anyway for getting the mask off me.[starts to run hand through non-existent hair.Winces.]Now, we can worry about getting onto the ship.

Borg: We are afraid we cannot help with that.

McCoy: I guess we're on our own then…

[Music hinting of daring and adventure plays.]

Act II, Scene IX

[Back on the Enterprise, a drunken Kirk is being assisted down the hallway, by a perfectly calm Spock.]

Spock: I told you, Captain, having that fifth glass of Romulan ale was not a wise decision.

Kirk: [slurred] Eh, you never want to have any fun.

Spock: If this is fun, I quite agree with you.

Kirk: Party pooper.

Spock: Come along, Captain.We're almost to Sickbay.I'm sure Dr. McCoy has something that will help you regain sobriety.

[Stella comes out the door to Sickbay.A close-up of her face shows her smiling evilly.The scene pulls back again.She hurries up to Kirk and Spock.]

Stella: Why, sweet-er, Captain, how are you?You don't look well.

Spock: The Captain just went through half a bottle of Romulan ale.

Stella: Oh, dear.That would have some negative effects.

Spock: Indeed.We were hoping you might have something to sober him up.

Stella: Oh…I'm sure I have something in…in…Sickbay.Right.[takes Kirk's arm] Come with me, pumpk…er, that is, sir.

[Stella takes Kirk into Sickbay.The scene shifts to inside Sickbay.They turn a corner.Where there should be a wall, a large Greek temple is standing.Across the top, the words "The Temple of Stella" are visible.Stella leads Kirk towards it.]

Kirk: [looking around] There's somethin' diff'rent about this place.I jus' can't put my finger on it.

Stella: I made some minor improvements.

Kirk: If you say so, Bones.

Stella: Are you sure you're not interested in archeology?

Kirk: [laughs] Good one!Archeology!Great joke!

Stella: Right.

[Kirk and Stella enter the temple.A moment passes.Suddenly, McCoy's hair is thrown out, between two pillars.]

Stella: Surprise, honey!

Kirk: [shocked into sobriety] Aaaaaaahhhh!

[Kirk runs out of the temple, and dashes across Sickbay and out the door.Stella runs after him.]

Stella: Wait, pumpkin!

[Stella, seeing Kirk is long gone, stops in the middle of Sickbay.]

Stella: [calculating] Well, if he's so determined to run, I'll just have to find a way to lure him back.And I know just how to do it.

[Stella laughs maniacally.The echoes reverberate around Sickbay.They are followed by ominous thunder.Outside in the corridor, Unidentified Crewmember 1 is listening.]

UC1: That's odd.Whoever heard of thunder in space?

[Curtain drops on Act II.]

  


[[1]][3] Abe is from a previous story.He is a small droid, originally a Romulan Destroyer Droid sent to capture the Enterprise.Kirk defeated him though, by throwing a glass of wine at him.(The wine damaged his delicate circuitry.)He was reprogrammed, and now lives on the Enterprise.He's taken up golfing, and has become friends with Scotty.He was named Abe after he and Scotty went out drinking (Scotty drank Scotch, Abe drank motor oil), and Abe spontaneously told Kirk (He called because the engines weren't working right) that his name was Abe.

[[2]][4] At this point, who's who gets confusing.The person everyone thinks is McCoy is actually Stella.The person everyone thinks is Stella is actually McCoy.Therefore, when the stage directions refer to McCoy, they mean McCoy, but when the characters refer to Stella they're talking about McCoy.When the characters refer to McCoy they're actually talking about Stella.The stage directions still refer to Stella as "Stella."

   [1]: #_ftn1
   [2]: #_ftn2
   [3]: #_ftnref1
   [4]: #_ftnref2



	3. Act III: In Which Everyone Runs Around W...

Act III, Scene I

Act III, Scene I

[The scene is the brig.Two punk Klingons are sitting in the one cell.A harried Kirk comes running up.]

Kirk: [frantic] Computer, open the door to this cell!

Computer: You must have the necessary authority.

Kirk: [looking warily over his shoulder; frantic] I'm Captain Kirk!I have the authority!Now open!

Computer: Only if you ask nicely.

Kirk: [gritting teeth] Computer, open the door to this cell.

Computer: Say "please."

Kirk: Computer, if you don't open this cell now, I'll have Scotty rewire your main processing center into a food processor.

Computer: Cell door opening.

[The cell door opens.The punk Klingons look at Kirk quizzically.]

Kirk: [hurried] All right, out.

Punk Klingon 1: I think Kirk's finally lost it.

Kirk: Just get out!I have bigger things to worry about now then a couple of Klingons who shaved their heads.

Punk Klingon 2: Hey buddy, we ain't arguing!

[Punk Klingons exit cell.They grin evilly at each other, then head down the corridor and out of sight.Kirk hurriedly enters the cell.]

Kirk: [peering anxiously down corridor] Computer, shut this door, and engage maximum security measures.

Computer: Unable to comply.I am not allowed to lock my captain in the brig.

Kirk: I'm overriding that order!Now lock the door!

Computer: [sullen] Locking.

[Kirk sits down on a bench.]

Kirk: [relieved] Stella will never be able to get me in here!

Act III, Scene II

[The setting is the corridor outside Sickbay.Stella, once again disguised as McCoy, is leading Spock, Sulu, Chekov, and Scotty to Sickbay.Sp, Su, C, and Sc are slightly drunk.(Scotty's and Chekov's accents are more pronounced.)]

Sulu: That was the best Romulan ale I ever had.I wonder where Dr. McCoy got those bottles.He sure was anxious for us to drink 'em.

Chekov: I still say: Wodka[[1]][1] is wery much the best.

Sulu: Just don't try to tell us that Romulan ale was invented by a little old lady in Lenings…wherever.

Chekov: Nonsense.Wodka, on the other hand…

Scotty: Wherever Vodka was invented, it still canna beat good Scotch from the highlands.

Sulu: What do you think, Mr. Spock?

Spock: [acting obviously drunk] I don't drink.

Chekov: [skeptical] You could hawe fooled me.

Spock: [swaying] Really.I had a bowl of chicken noodle soup, and nothing else.

Chekov: Obwiously, chicken noodle soup has strange effects on Wulcans.

Stella: Come along, gentlemen.[gestures towards Sickbay door]

Scotty: Tell me again why we're going to Sickbay.

Sulu: Does it matter much?

Stella: Now, don't you worry about that.It will all make sense to you soon…

[Sp, Su, C, Sc and Stella enter Sickbay, closing the door behind them.Half a minute passes.Suddenly, three screams ring out.]

Spock: [from behind door] Most unusual of developments.

Stella: [from behind door] With all of you here, Jim can't help but attempt a rescue!And then, I will have him!Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Act III, Scene III

[Back in the brig, Kirk is sitting comfortably on a bench.Uhura comes into view, and hurries up to the cell Kirk is in.]

Uhura: [surprised] Captain!You are in the brig!

Computer: I told you so.

Uhura: [to Computer] All right, all right.It's just that you rarely hear about the Captain being locked in the brig.[turning to Kirk] Why are you here, sir?

Kirk: She's on board.I'm staying right here until she's gone.

Uhura: You mean Stella? 

[Kirk winces, and nods.]

Uhura: You better come out, sir.

Kirk: [surly] Why?

Uhura: [worried] Well, we've kind of got some problems.First, St-well, she kidnapped Mr. Spock, Mr. Sulu, Mr. Chekov, and Mr. Scott.

Kirk: [sitting bolt upright; outraged]How dare she!We'll just see about that!Computer, open this cell!

Computer: [surly] Yes, master, whatever you say, master.Yeesh.Open the cell, shut the cell, open the cell, do this, do that… [fades away]

[Cell door opens.Kirk charges out.]

Kirk: [outraged] I'll get Stella for this, if it's the last thing I do![dashes down the corridor]

Uhura: [calling after Kirk who ignores her] Uh, sir!Sir![talking to herself]He didn't give me a chance to tell him that the Punk Klingons have directed the ship into Dedum's sun and knocked out the engines, and we're all going to die in twenty minutes anyway.

Act III, Scene IV

[Kirk is outside the door to Sickbay, trying to work up the nerve to go in.]

Kirk: [scared; to himself] Risks are our business.Risks are our business.Risks are our business.Risks…this is not working.[wipes forehead]Why did this seem like a better idea in the brig?

[Kirk paces around in front of the door for a moment, muttering to himself.Finally he pushes the door open, and jumps back.Nothing happens.He looks in.He slowly takes one step in, and looks around again.He finally enters completely.]

[View shifts to inside Sickbay.Ominous music is playing]

[The Temple of Stella is prominent at the back end of Sickbay.Muffled voices can be heard from inside the temple.Kirk slowly approaches the temple, all the while looking warily around as though he expects Stella to suddenly jump out.The closer Kirk gets to the temple, the slower he walks.Finally he reaches the temple steps.He slowly inches up them, looking around warily.He looks between a couple of pillars: still no sign of Stella.He carefully edges around the pillar, and enters the temple.]

[View shifts to inside the temple.]

[Spock, Sulu, Chekov and Scotty are sitting around a table in the middle of the temple.Spock is staring into space, and humming.Su, C and Sc are arguing.An empty bottle of Romulan ale is sitting on the table.Kirk approaches.]

Chekov: [to Sulu and Scotty] You will newer conwince me that Romulan ale is better than Wodka!

Scotty: Who's talkin' about Romulan ale?I'm tryin' to convince you Scotch is better.

Sulu: If neither of you like Romulan ale, you should have left more of it to me.I like it.

Scotty: By the way, do you notice somethin' diff'rent about this place?I can't put my finger on it…

Kirk: [tentative] Uh, gentlemen?

[Spock, Sulu, Chekov, and Scotty turn toward Kirk.Spock waves, without breaking off his humming.]

Sulu: Oh, hello, Captain.

Scotty: How are ye', Cap'n?

Chekov: Won't you sit down, sir?

Kirk: [tense] Is…is…is…she around?

Scotty: You mean Stella?Oh, she disappeared a while ago.She left a bottle of Romulan ale though.[pleased] Even split three ways it sure packs a punch.

Kirk: [bleakly] She stole my Romulan ale.That's not easy to get.They don't sell it in the Federation.I only had two bottles.My mother guards her recipe for chicken noodle soup-

[Spock makes a gagging sound and falls over backward.]

Kirk: [staring at Spock's feet, visible above the table edge; trailing off] -like it was the crown jewels… [confused] What is wrong with him?

Sulu: Oh, you mean Mr. Spock here?He's all right.He just reacted violently when you said…[glancing at Spock; whispering] you know, the soup.

[Sulu and Chekov each grab one of Spock's arms and lift him up.He smiles goofily at Kirk.All this while, he has kept up his humming without a break.]

Kirk: [stiffens suddenly] Why are we talking about chicken-uh, you know-when Stella could show up any time?Let's get out of here!

[Sp, Su, C, and Sc slowly stand up, Sp still humming.Suddenly, Stella swings on a curtain down from an upper level.]

Stella: You won't escape that easily, sweetie!

Kirk, Sulu, Chekov, and Scotty: Aaaaaaahhhhh!

[Spock waves, while continuing his humming.K, Su, C, and Sc start to run, but pause to grab Sp and haul him along.They run out the temple, out through Sickbay, and out the door, with Stella in pursuit.]

Stella: [furious; shouting at the top of her lungs] Curses!Curses!

Act III, Scene V

[McCoy, still bald, and Carol are talking to Yeoman 2 in a corridor of the Enterprise.All around them, crewmembers are fleeing in one direction or another.Yeoman 2 seems dazed.]

McCoy: [kind] Now, try and tell us what's going on.

Carol: I don't think you're getting through to her.

McCoy: [ignoring Carol] Just tell us what happened.

Yeoman 2: [blinking, still dazed] It's…it's… [horrified but soft] her.[increasing in volume]It's her.It's her!

[Unidentified Crewmember 2 pauses, watching.]

UC2: Didn't I see that in a movie somewhere?

Yeoman 2: It's her!It's her![runs screaming down the corridor]

Carol: [shocked] well.

McCoy: Gotta be Stella.She's the only frightening "her" I know of around here.[starts walking down corridor]Come on.Let's find someone who can tell us a little more than "her."

[McCoy and Carol walk down the corridor.]

McCoy: It's a good thing we found those transporters Harry had on the surface so we could get up here.

Carol: True.Everyone else seems to have gone crazy or something.

[McCoy and Carol turn a corner, and encounter Spock.His eyes are shut, and he is pantomiming conducting an orchestra.]

McCoy: [tentative] Uh, Spock?

Spock: [without opening his eyes, he puts one finger over his lips] Not now, Doctor.I'm conducting Beethoven's Fifth.You'll throw off the rhythm.

McCoy: [suspicious] Spock, have you been drinking?

Spock: [still pantomiming conducting] I don't drink.

McCoy: [skeptical] Sure, Spock.[to Carol] Maybe they know something down in Engineering.We'll go there.

[Scene changes to the engine room.Scotty, now sober, is sitting by the engines looking mournful.All the control panels and such are dark and dead.McCoy and Carol enter.]

Scotty: [referring to engines; sadly] Me bairns, me poor, poor bairns.

[McCoy walks up to Scotty.]

McCoy: [frustrated] Don't tell me you're worried about Stella too?I haven't even seen her!

Scotty: [looking up]Stella?Who cares that Stella's runnin' amuck and terrifyin' the whole crew?The engines are out, we're flying into a sun, and there's not a thing anyone can do about it.[taking a second look at McCoy]What have you done to your hair?

McCoy: [shocked] We're flying into a sun?!

Scotty: [nodding] Ten minutes to impact.

Carol: Isn't there anything we can do?

Scotty: There just isn't any way to power the ship to change course.I canna start her without dilithium crystals, and the Klingons took 'em.The engines are all right, but I just don't have anything to power 'em with.

McCoy: [sitting down next to Scotty] Well, there must be some way to power this ship.

Scotty: If ye' find a way, let me know.

McCoy: What'd you mean if I find a way?I'm a doctor, not an engineer!You're the one who's supposed to pull a miracle out of your hat in half the time you said it would take you!

Scotty: Not today.

McCoy: [despairing] Swell.Just swell.

Carol: [thinking] Say…I might have an idea.Remember that weird looking machine with the propeller we saw down in the palace on Dedum?

McCoy: Sure.Strange looking contraption.What about it?

Carol: Well, it must have some sort of power we might be able to use.I just wish I knew what it was.

Scotty: Did ye' say it had a propeller?

Carol: A big propeller.

Scotty: I think I know what it is then.Captain Kirk mentioned it.Something about it amplifying his hot air.He didn't seem to want to talk about.If I understand the way it works right though, I ought to be able to link it to the matter-antimatter reactor by way of the engineering console on the bridge if I hook it to the left hub of the… [trails off as he pulls out a piece of paper and starts making rapid calculations]

McCoy: How long will it take?How long?

Scotty: [without looking up] Alien technology, never before tried…at least seven hours, maybe more if they aren't compatible.

McCoy: We have nine minutes.

Scotty: [looks up] Oh.I'll have it for ye' in seven minutes then, once the contraption is up here.

McCoy: We'll beam down for it right away.

Act III, Scene VI

[McCoy (still bald), Carol, and Scotty are on the bridge.Carol is sitting at Uhura's place, looking nervous.McCoy is pacing.Scotty is tinkering with the propeller contraption near one of the consoles.Several disorganized-looking wires connect the contraption to the console.The sun is visible on the view screen, and appears VERY close.]

McCoy: [frustrated; to Scotty] Aren't you finished with that yet?

Scotty: [soothing] Now, now, this is delicate work.Ye' canna rush it.[slowly connects another wire and turns a dial slightly]

Computer: Two minutes, eight seconds to impact, and I certainly hope you've got some kind of plan because if you're waiting for me to pull you out of this one you're out of luck, buddy.

Scotty: On the other hand.[jams several wires in, quickly twists a couple dials, flips some switches, etc.Stands up.] All set.

McCoy: Has it got enough power though, to move an entire starship I mean?

Scotty: [calculating] Well, it's based on hot air…the Captain's hot air.[looking up] It'll be plenty.

Computer: One minute, thirty seconds to impact.Are you bozos doing anything down there?!

Scotty: [sternly] Now, Computer-

Carol: She's got a point, you know.Let's turn this thing on already.

Scotty: All right then.[studying controls] Do you think medium would be high enough?

McCoy: When it's based on Jim's hot air?Definitely.

Scotty: I'll set it on high just to be on the safe side.[turns a dial]

[A huge wind starts blowing in the bridge.Everything that's not fastened down starts blowing around, including McCoy, Carol, and Scotty.They each grab a hold of something and hang on.]

McCoy: [shouting over the noise of the wind] Why's it blowing up here?I thought the power was supposed to go down to the engines!

Scotty: [shouting over the noise of the wind] The power is going to the engines!But the wind's got to go somewhere too!

Carol: [shouting over the noise of the wind; looking at viewscreen] Hey, I think it's working!

[On the viewscreen, the sun seems to be angling slightly to the left, rather than being head on.Suddenly, sparks fly out of the wires connecting the contraption to the console, and the wind abruptly stops.Everything that was airborne, including McCoy, Carol, and Scotty, crash to the ground.They slowly stand up.]

McCoy: What happened?

Scotty: [frantically fiddling controls] The power's stopped!

Carol: It should have had plenty!

Scotty: Oh, it's not out.Too much powered surged into the computer at once, and damaged the connection.I'm afraid we're going to get no more power to flow out of this thing.

McCoy: The question is, was our course altered enough to prevent impact before we lost power?

[All stare at viewscreen as the sun grows larger and larger on the screen.]

[Scene switches to outside the _Enterprise_.The _Enterprise_ is zooming towards the sun.It looks as though it's going to crash straight into the sun.The angle changes.A rope is now visible, tied around the sun.Several stagehands are tugging on the other end of the rope, trying to pull the sun farther to the right.]

Gene: Come on, pull!I can't have all my stars die now!They've got six movies and several guest appearances left to make!

[The scene shifts back to the bridge.McCoy, Carol, and Scotty are still watching the viewscreen as the sun gets closer and closer.Impact is only seconds away.Suddenly, the sun lurches violently to the right.The _Enterprise_ narrowly slips past it.Relieved, McCoy, Carol, and Scotty slowly sit down.]

Carol: Well, that's a relief.

McCoy: Yeah, but it's hard to be really relieved when Stella's still on board.

Carol: Can't we just be happy that we're not flying into a sun anymore?

McCoy: Normally, I am the picture of cheerfulness.It becomes a bit difficult to maintain a good mood when I'm missing my hair though.

Carol: [giggling] Oh, yeah.

Scotty: [thoughtful] Speaking of Stella, I think I might have an idea of a fairly simple way to get rid of her.We'd need to find her first though…

Act III, Scene VII

[Carol and McCoy (still bald) are walking down a corridor.Screaming crewmembers keep running past, going in the opposite direction.McCoy is talking into a communicator.]

McCoy: We think we're getting closer to Stella, Scotty.The crewmembers are getting more and more frantic.

Scotty: [over communicator] An' where are ye' now?

Carol: Deck C, Corridor G.

Scotty: [over communicator] Understood.

[Carol and McCoy continue walking down corridor.]

Stella: [from around a bend in the corridor] Sweetie pie, wait!

Kirk: [coming into view around bend; running frantically] Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! [pauses to look at Carol and McCoy] Oh, hello.[stares at McCoy] What did you do to your hair?

McCoy: Are you all right, Jim?

Stella: [coming into view] Sugar pudding!

Kirk: In answer to your question: No![runs down corridor] Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

[Kirk runs down the corridor with Stella in pursuit.McCoy and Carol follow.Unfortunately, the corridor dead ends.Kirk cowers at the end as Stella races towards him.]

McCoy: [into communicator] Now, Scotty!Now!

Scotty: [from communicator] Right away!

[Kirk disappears in a transporter beam.]

Scotty: [from communicator] Did I get 'er?

McCoy: Not exactly.

Scotty: Oh.I'll try again.It's tricky without exact coordinates you know.

Carol: Just do something!

[Stella disappears in a transporter beam.]

McCoy: Well…we got rid of Stella, but…

Carol: Now we have to find Jim.

McCoy: [into communicator] Scotty…where did you beam them?

Scotty: Why, onto the other side of the planet, like we planned.

McCoy: [suspecting the worst] Both to the same place?

Scotty: Well sure.

McCoy: [puts a hand to his forehead; despairing] Oh, Lord…

[Scene shifts to view of the planet.Kirk is frantically clutching at the uppermost branches of a tree he climbed.Stella, below, is unsuccessfully trying to climb after him.]

Stella: Sweetkins!

Kirk: Help!

Act III, Scene VIII

[The setting is the conference room.McCoy, still bald, is earnestly questioning Sulu.Spock, still affected by the chicken noodle soup, is sitting at the table.Dr. M'Benga is giving him a bowl of clam chowder.Carol is also sitting at the table, looking disgusted.]

McCoy: [to Sulu; urgent] Are you sure no one's found my hair yet?

Sulu: [reassuring] Don't worry, Doctor.We're pretty sure your hair is on the ship somewhere.We've got almost half the crew tearing the ship apart to find it.It's bound to show up soon.

McCoy: [worried] I hope so.I sure hope so. [Sits down at the table; watches M'Benga pour another bowl of clam chowder for Spock; confused] Is that clam chowder?

M'Benga: [matter-of-fact] With extra potatoes, actually.It's the best cure for Chickennoodlesoupitis[[2]][2].

Spock: [gesturing with spoon; to M'Benga] I must insist, Mr. Franklin, flying the kite with the key was really a most crude method.Had you instead-

M'Benga: [interrupting; pushing the bowl of soup towards Spock.] Never mind.Have some more soup, Mr. Lincoln.

McCoy: [dubious] It doesn't appear to be helping.

Spock: [nodding to McCoy] Oh, hello, Queen Isabella, I didn't see you come in.How is King Ferdinand?

McCoy: [glaring at Spock; to M'Benga] It's definitely not helping.

M'Benga: [pouring another bowl of soup] Give it a little time.

McCoy: Speaking of time… [turning to Sulu] Have they found-

Sulu: [good-naturedly] We'll let you know as soon as we find your hair, Doctor.

McCoy: [muttering] How hard can it be to find…

Spock: [loudly] Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers-

M'Benga: [hastily; pouring another bowl of soup] More soup?

Carol: [disgusted] Some rescue party we're going to make.

Act III, Scene IX

[Spock, McCoy, Carol, and UC1 beam in, on the surface of the planet.The shuttlecraft from Act I, Scene VII is directly behind them.Spock, recovered from the chicken noodle soup, looks, if anything, more solemn and stony faced than usual.He refuses to look at McCoy.McCoy has at last regained his hair.He keeps smoothing it down, and looking immensely pleased.It is clear that Carol is the one who's really in charge of this mission.All look around.]

Carol: [into communicator] Nice work, Scotty.We're right in front of the shuttlecraft we left here.

Scotty: [from communicator] I still donna understan' how we could've forgotten a shuttlecraft.

Carol: I don't know.Anyway, we've got the coordinates where you beamed down Jim and Stella, so we're going to fly over there and see if we can find them.

Scotty: Go ahead then.All's clear up here.Scott out.

Carol: All right, gentlemen, let's go.

[Carol, Spock, McCoy, and UC1 enter shuttlecraft.View shifts to inside shuttle.UC1 sits down at shuttle controls, and powers the shuttle up.It is visible through the viewscreen that they are rapidly speeding across the Dedum landscape.Meanwhile, Spock, McCoy, and Carol sit down in the rows of seats.Spock pointedly sits as far away from McCoy as is possible in the small shuttle.]

McCoy: [mischievous]So, Spock, talked to ol' Benjy Franklin lately?

Spock: [utterly emotionless] Doctor, I would advise you to cease speaking immediately, or I shall surely hit you.

McCoy: [feigning surprise] My, my!I don't think M'Benga gave you enough clam chowder!

Spock: So long as we are discussing recent events, perhaps we should discuss a certain physician who is remarkably attached-or should I say unattached?- to his hair.

McCoy: [annoyed] Now you see here-

Carol: [stern]Knock it off you two.This is no time to be arguing.

Spock: I quite agree.If a certain member of this party had refrained from comment I'm quite certain-

McCoy: [irritated] The whole argument was just as much your fault as mine, and-

Carol: [raising her voice] If you don't both stop now I'll be happy to let you off the shuttle and you can walk back to the beam-up point!

Spock: [dignified] Hmph.

McCoy: [irritated] Hmph.

[Close-up of the clock on the wall: The minute hand rapidly goes around once.The view pulls back to show full interior of shuttle.No one has moved.McCoy and Spock are pointedly not looking at each other.UC1 is staring intently at a small object on the viewscreen.As the shuttle gets closer, the object enlarges, until it is apparent that it is a man praying in the top of a tree, as a woman sits on the ground calling up to him.]

UC1: Lieutenant Collins, I think we found them.

[Carol stands up and hurries over to look at the viewscreen.Spock and McCoy both look up, interested.]

Carol: [amused] I'd say that's them.Land the shuttle, please.

UC1: Yes, ma'am.

[McCoy comes over to look at the viewscreen.]

McCoy: [incredulous] Is he sitting in a tree?

Carol: [amused]I wonder if he's been there ever since Scotty accidentally beamed him down?

[Scene shifts to outside the shuttle.The shuttle lands on the surface, a short distance from Stella and Kirk.Neither Stella nor Kirk notice, as Kirk is too busy pleading with the skies for divine intervention and Stella is too busy calling up to Kirk.Carol, Spock, McCoy and UC1 exit shuttle, carrying phasers.]

Carol: [businesslike] Phasers set on stun?[There are affirmative murmurs.]All right then.Let's go.[They start to approach Stella and Kirk.]

Stella: [to Kirk, not noticing the others] You can't stay up there forever, sweetkins!

Kirk: [grimly] I can try.[glances around, finally notices others; relieved] Well, it's about time!

Stella: [turns and sees others, as they approach rapidly] My plans are thwarted![high and shrill] Nooooooooooo!!!!

[All wince at the sound of Stella's screech, and clap hands over their ears, including Kirk.Without his hands to help hold him onto the branch Kirk slips and falls.Fortunately, he lands directly on Stella, who is knocked to the ground.]

[Spock, McCoy, Carol, and UC1 hurry over to Kirk, who is slowly standing up.]

McCoy: You all right, Jim?

Kirk: [stressed] I've been sitting in a tree with Stella below for four hours!I'm not even a little bit all right!What took you so long anyway?

McCoy: [mischievous] Well…Spock wasn't feeling too well, and-

Spock: [emotionless] Be silent immediately, Doctor.

[McCoy shrugs.Kirk looks from one to the other.Behind them, unnoticed, Stella has stood up, and is approaching them.]

Kirk: I see.Well-

Stella: Pumpkin![As all turn, she charges for Kirk.]

Kirk: Aaaahhh!

Simultaneous:

Carol: [into communicator] Scotty!Beam Stella to the other side of the

planet!

Kirk: [shouting towards communicator] Scotty!Beam us up!Now!

Scotty: [from communicator] Yes, ma'am.Yes, sir.

[Everyone is beamed out, once again leaving the shuttle behind.]

Act III, Scene X

[Kirk, Spock, McCoy and UC1 are sitting inside the shuttle they left on the surface of Dedum.They are preparing for lift-off.Kirk is infinitely calmer and more confident than before.]

McCoy: I can't believe we managed to forget the shuttle twice.I wish we hadn't had to come back down here again.

Kirk: We'll be gone soon enough, and then Dedum will just be an unpleasant memory.

McCoy: You're awfully calm.I'm surprised you're not worried about Stella.

Kirk: [shrugs] Stella's on the other side of the planet where Scotty beamed her.How could she get back here that fast?[suddenly nervous]But then, she might have found a way.She could be back here somehow.Stella could be right outside.[stares at door] She could be right behind that door.She could come in any moment.That door could open this very instant-

[Door opens.Kirk screams and dives behind a row of chairs.UC2 walks in.]

Kirk: [sits up; red-faced] Ahem.Spock…fell. I was, uh, helping him up.

[Spock is sitting in a chair across the aisle.He looks at Kirk quizzically.Kirk tries to change the subject.]

Kirk: [staring at McCoy's hair; faking shock] Bones!Your hair!

McCoy: [nervously reaches up to check hair, only to find nothing wrong with it] What about it?

Kirk: [still faking shock] It's back!

McCoy: [puzzled] It's been back…

Kirk: [slightly embarrassed] Oh, well…

McCoy: [understanding] Never mind, Jim. [Puts hands in pockets and discovers an object]Say, what's this in my pocket?[pulls out brass monkey]Some luck this brought!It was supposed to ward off evil![angrily throws monkey out shuttlecraft door]

[Scene shifts to outside shuttlecraft.Stella is stealthily approaching.Monkey flies out and hits her.She falls over.]

Kirk: [from inside shuttlecraft] All right, Ensign, let's get off this cursed planet.

UC2: [from inside shuttlecraft] Aye, aye sir.

[Shuttlecraft rises up from surface.Stella staggers to her feet and chases after rising shuttle.She stands under it as it rises far above her.She stretches her arms out towards it.A wind blows her hair out behind her.A sunset is in the background.]

Stella: [dramatic] Oh Captain, my Captain!My heart is yours!

Kirk: [from shuttle] Wait!We forgot Chekov!

[Shuttlecraft plummets back down to the ground, landing on Stella.Close up of her feet, sticking out from under the shuttlecraft.Her skirt has pulled back slightly, revealing striped socks.Her toes curl up.Kirk, Spock, McCoy, UC 1 & 2 exit shuttle.They do not notice Stella's feet.]

Kirk: [to UC1] you guard the shuttle while we search for Chekov.

[Kirk, Spock, McCoy and UC2 fan out.]

Kirk: [muttering] If I could just remember where we left him…

[Kirk, Spock, McCoy and UC2 wander out of view.Harry Mudd appears form among some bushes and walks up to UC1.]

UC1: [star struck] Hey, you're Harry Mudd!

Harry: I believe so.Why, am I mistaken?[slyly] Say, why don't you bribe me into coming aboard?

UC1: [confused] Wait, isn't it the other way around?

Harry: [puts arm around UC1's shoulder] Now, now, you're confused.Let's go aboard together and I'll explain… [they enter shuttle]

[Inside, Harry hides in the closet, after taking some money from UC1, who goes back on guard outside.Kirk, Spock, McCoy and UC2 wander back into view.They continue searching for a minute.]

Kirk: [suddenly] Wait a minute!I just remembered where we left Chekov!

McCoy: [coming over] Where, Jim?

Kirk: [grimly] Back on the _Enterprise_.He never beamed down.Come on, let's get out of here.

[Kirk, Spock, McCoy, UC 1 & 2 go back in the shuttlecraft.After a moment the shuttle starts to rise.It soars dramatically upward against a backdrop of stars.The curtain starts to close.]

Narrator: The End

Kirk: [off-stage] Wait!Wait!You can't end it yet!I have to finish my log entry with something wise and philosophical!

Gene: Why?

Spock: [off-stage] It is in the Captain's contract.Located in the fine print.

Gene: What are you talking about?The fine print is so small it doesn't count.No human can read it.

Spock: Yes, but I am not a human.

Gene: All right, fine.Make your speech.[sighs]I knew I should have tried to sell _Andromeda_ instead.

[Curtain opens again.Kirk is in his quarters, making a log entry.]

Kirk: [wise and philosophical] Yes, our experiences on Dedum were strange, but they were a learning experience…we learned not to beam down without adequate weaponry…not to trust con men…not to date a girl before checking to see what she looks like under her mask…Someday, we'll look back on our time here and see it as a time of learning…a time that brought out the best in people…a time of bravery and daring despite the risks…but of course, risks are our business-

Gene: That does it!Producer's rights: drop the curtain!

Kirk: When man first looked at the stars-

[Curtain comes crashing down, cutting Kirk off.]

Narrator: The Real End.

[There is applause, but this stops suddenly when a slightly bedraggled Kirk crawls under the curtain and comes out on stage.He strikes a pose.]

Kirk: As I was saying: Risks are our business.When man first looked at the stars he saw their promise.When he chose to travel the stars-

Gene: [from behind curtain, as Kirk talks] Somebody get him off of there!

Kirk: -he accepted that promise, but he also accepted the risks.Now as travelers of the stars-

UC1: [from behind curtain, as Kirk talks] We can't do anything, Gene!Everybody back here is in a Starfleet uniform, and it just wouldn't be right for Starfleet to drag [reverent] Captain Kirk off the stage!

Kirk: -we face those risks everyday of our lives.What risks, you ask?

Gene: [behind curtain] We aren't asking!

Kirk: I'm glad you asked that.

Gene: [behind curtain] We didn't ask!

Kirk: We risk facing the Klingons…the Romulans…a ruptured matter-antimatter chamber…and so much more.But humanity will prevail…because we are strong…brave-

Stella: [runs on] Sweetkins![charges at Kirk]

Kirk: Aaaaaaahhhh![turns to run]

[Stella grabs Kirk.They fall off the stage.]

Gene: Roll the credits!

[Fades to a star field with views of the Enterprise zooming through space.Credits roll across it.In the background, faintly, is heard:

Kirk: Aaaaahhh!

Stella: My little kumquat!

Kirk: [panicked] Bones!Do something!

McCoy: Sorry, Jim, you're on your own.I want to keep my hair intact.

Kirk: [panicked] But I can't get rid of her!

McCoy: In that case, you're dead, Jim.

Stella: Pumpkin!

Kirk: Aaaaaahhhhhh!

[Lots of crashes and bangs follow.The credits finish rolling, and it fades to black.]

THE END (HONEST)

_Special thanks to my friend Brian and my cousin Katie._

Well, that's the end (finally).I hope you liked it.PLEASE review!Also, look for The Big Break-Up, my other story on Fanfiction.

For anybody who wants to see a sequel, there is one in the works.How's this grab you?

-Q visits Kirk's Enterprise, cleverly disguised as a large blue fish (Don't ask)

-Stella returns and runs amok (again).

-Picard shows up, w/ Kirk's personality (blame Q), and he and Kirk fight it out on the bridge.

-Spock starts laughing wildly and can't stop.(McCoy takes pictures)

-The Romulan Empire sends a bunch more droids like Abe, who take over the bridge.

So, watch for _Stella Meets Omnipotence, AKA I Was a Laughing Vulcan_.Don't hold your breath though, 'cause it'll probably be a while, considering I haven't started yet.Also, look for _Vulcans and Chicken Noodle Soup Don't Mix_, a prequel, which should be posted relatively soon.No Stella, but I've got Spock reciting poetry on a roof at midnight.

Until then, Live long and prosper.\\//,(-Vulcan salute)

(Author's Note to Someone Who Knows Who He Is:Congratulations!You finally found my story!Was that SO hard?Now write a review!J)

  


[[1]][3] Vodka, with an accent.

[[2]][4] Pronounced: "chick-en-oodle-soop-it-iss.

   [1]: #_ftn1
   [2]: #_ftn2
   [3]: #_ftnref1
   [4]: #_ftnref2



End file.
